The ugly bug dating
Even when they compliment me, I often feel worse, and I think it’s because any compliment that cuts their emotionality out of the loop leads me feeling — bad, objectified, ashamed. Writing it all out did help me feel less fat, but I’m also not too sure how deeply I want to engage with male sexual shame.
Something like that.“You are so hot,” feels worse than “I am so turned on by you right now.” If I’m hot, there is no connection, no caring. That shit is one of the the most toxic parts of toxic masculinity.
But, I also know basically zero men who haven’t been touched by it to some degree, and if I’m being generous, it likely brings pain to the men who are feeling it than the reflected shame does to me.
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For me, I think this was the most telling quote: And, ok, that’s a good explanation for why he doesn’t say “I had a threeway last week,” or “I haven’t had sex in over a year,” but it doesn’t explain why men don’t say “touching her breasts made me really horny.” However, I think that’s covered in to openly talk about how turned on he got. Because society labels men creepy when they are open about their sexual feelings.
And, I think because men are too ashamed to claim ownership of their sexual feelings, It’s telling that gay men have body image issues more than lesbians. Usually instead of saying “I am turned on by that woman,” a man will say “that woman is hot.” The first phrasing places the locus of control within his own body (aka, in a way, making it “his fault” if he gets turned on), the second phrasing places the locus of control within the woman’s body (making it “her fault” if he gets turned on.) And, he will be inclined to do the second because him get horny, and zomg she was SO HOT it totally wasn’t his fault.
I also think this is why men don’t write about their sex lives.
Damon Young tackles the issue of why men don’t write about sex in this piece here.
All around us we see gorgeous people, on television, in movies and magazines.